looking back

it was early in July.  it got cold while we were sauntering central park and it started to rain.  I was wearing that grey dress you loved so much that we had bought together at gikomba.  had accesorized with red earings and red shoes. was probably wearing a red bikini inside too.  you bought me a red trench coat at Jamia mall.  you actually bought me a trench coat at Jamia mall!  we then had coffee on this same table at nakumatt  lifestyle waiting for the rain to die down. we were seated across each other young beaming stars so in love and never wanting to part ways.  what happened Jericho?  I guess this is what seven years feels like. I look at the ring on your finger and wish that it was I who had placed it there.  but it had to be Beth who had the pleasure.  I know that I had put my career before you and veered off to Hollywood leaving you alone but I did come back.  I know the calls kept declining down the years but I never stopped loving you.  unlike you,  I got a divorce but two miracles;  joy and Jericho junior. both are three years old now.  they are the best things that ever happened to me.  I am so sorry about leaving you the way I did.  I had thought that I could have both you and my Hollywood dream together.  it is all my fault.  my distance kept you away and landed you in the arms of Beth.  you begged me to come back but I was too blinded.  I even cheated on you but that was a mistake I regret everyday of my life.  I wish I could go back in time.  I would have called you every moment that I was free and come home to you every once in a month to assure you that you were the only one.  why was I so stupid?  I would have done the same thing in your shoes.  so I don’t blame you.  I could go on rumbling all evening about how I messed up but I just want to recall the good times.  like the first day we met and you smiled across the room.  I had to look back first before I smiled back because I wasn’t so sure that a guy like you could take a second look at a girl like me. I had so many insecurities back then.  my periods had come way after all my classmates,  I had the smallest boobs in the world and my hair was not really growing.  you walked right to me and asked to take a walk together.  did I mention we were in drama festivals and everything that I was wearing was borrowed except for my bra and panties?  we walked around Afraha high school your confidence and friendliness overwhelming making me think it was all a dream.  I kept patting my hand just to make sure I was not dreaming.  when we had ice cream and some of it remained on the side of my mouth,  you thought it was funny.  I thought it was so embarrassing.  I didn’t want the day to end because for once a boy had talked to me in a public forum and not just any boy,  a very handsome one that made queen bee talk to me that day.  I thought the dream was over when you hugged me that evening as your bus was already leaving but you kept writing the letters.  every Friday was a bliss receiving and sending and I got used to it so much that when you didn’t mail me twice I got sick and got a leave out to go home.  I called you and you told me you had gotten a suspension.  I waited for you at shoppers paradise wondering whether to slap you or hug you.  that was the first time I kissed you then blushed away.  we spent the next sixty seconds not looking at each other.  you apologized for not saying earlier and I loved you more.  when I left for Nairobi I couldn’t stop waving at you and you followed the car to the police station and stayed with me as we were being  frisked.  you laughed at how I hated being touched by those police women.  everyone thought we were over when we had an argument and didn’t talk for the entire term.  queen bee started to draw close to you and I swear those were the hardest times.  thinking that you could ever share what we shared together with her.  and when we got back together I held you so close so that you would never slip away. I was so happy.  it was 2008 and we were completing high school.  this was it.  I knew as soon as I stepped in Nairobi you would move on to the next bimbo.  the first three months were great.  we were calling and texting then we got bored.  you started dating Beth and I Mark. we thought we were happy for the next four months then we started late night texting.  next thing I knew I was back with you but you didn’t break up with Beth.  you lied.  when I found out and closed your chapter you boarded a matatu to Nairobi.  I could not believe it when i hugged you at 2nk.  you broke up with her as I listened and said I was the one you would marry.  we took a walk in central park and you bought me a red trench coat that I still keep then we had coffee on this same table at nakumatt lifestyle. I could never love anyone as much as I love you.  Beth will never love you as much as I love you.  she can never love you as much as I love you.  she won’t love you as much as I love you.  she cannot love you as much as I love you.

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13 thoughts on “looking back

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